Have you ever been so stressed that you literally just want to cry but if you do, it isn’t really going to help so instead you are stuck just keeping it in and try to get things done?
That’s me. Lately I have been feeling this pressure and maybe it is from my school, internship, organizations and works schedules that I feel I never have time.
Look at my calendar for reminder dates meaning, everything except my class schedule and my Alumni Office work schedule is added here. I always feel pressure from something or someone whether it be from my mom or a professor. I strive to please everyone and stay busy so I don’t sit around thinking about my personal feelings. I call it leading with my brain instead of my heart.
Usually when I start to lead with my heart, it is when I am with Austin. He makes me feel emotion and the littlest thing he does could put me in a mood or set me off. Take for example today, he was leaning on these mats and I looked at him from a far saying stop but he thought I was joking. A few moments later sure enough the Redbull sitting on top of the mat fell over and sure enough I angry until I came to this point that it was not his fault. I shouldn’t have gotten mad over something so small. At that point until I showered about two hours ago, I have been reflecting on how my time isn’t being as efficient as I thought. I forgot that people who deserve time from me are not getting any, which is not fair because then they are getting the worse of me which they don’t need all the time.
For my shower, I cried while I washed my hair to shaving my legs because I realized that was the only place where I could cry by myself without anyone around and could let it be washed down the drain for it be filtered as drinking water and other water uses.
As I cried I realized that once I get out of this shower, I have washed away from the dirty and ugly parts and can start back over to a whole new person. To me, this is a personal matter. Consider this me cracking the window into my heart but also expressing that I am looking forward to spring breath to catch a break in my crazy hot mess life.